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Spoiler alert: how collaboration is derailed

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Behaviours that inhibit or derail collaborative conversations are usually easier to recognise in other people's behaviours than in our own. Some of those spoilers are regarded as mildly annoying but unavoidable aspects of interpersonal communication processes, about which nothing much can be done. Others are more pronounced but difficult to categorise objectively and figure out constructive responses. All are worth scrutiny, modification and constructive responses in the interests of … [Read more...]

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How do you rate your capacity for real collaboration?

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Cooperation is often considered collaboration . . . But efforts applied to the former can seriously inhibit the latter . . . All approaches to real collaboration benefit from the parties' competence at navigating conversational complexity and differences . . . Typically, people over-estimate their ability for this, trusting that the necessary skills will somehow become available if and when required, even though they have insufficiently practised and mastered them . . . Most seem unaware of … [Read more...]

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Drawing the line at criticism

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Responding to criticism with composure and curiosity rather than reacting reflexively is a skill greatly eased by learning to recognise our feelings and the mindsets that activate them, in real time. When we can do that, we are better able to listen confidently to critical comments, hold clear limits or prevent more when we’ve heard enough. Identifying if and when any line should be drawn, calls for situational awareness, mindfulness and emotional agility.  Announcing and holding the … [Read more...]

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Don’t take it personally

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It’s a common human tendency when criticised to think we’re under attack. Although all that we know, at first, is that someone has a problem they want heard and understood, we readily take offence if it seems we’ve been chastised, insulted, demeaned, derided, disrespected, harmed or in some other way mistreated. Once we've taken it personally like that, our emotional chain reactions and reflexive (knee-jerk) fight or flight urges are primed for release. Unless quickly altered, those ideas … [Read more...]

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Do you respond or react to criticism?

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Many people with perfectly adequate hearing develop seriously impaired listening when they are criticised. Rather than respond constructively by clarifying, acknowledging and replying thoughtfully to others’ concerns, they react with various forms of resistance or avoidance. Whenever we do this, we add unnecessary complication to interpersonal communication. Listening is the communication skill first learned and most often used. Yet it is the least taught and least … [Read more...]

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Our own part in conversational problems

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Having a ringside seat at other people’s quarrels can be unpleasant. But they're valuable events for me when I realise some of the ineffectual behaviours in use resemble my own. When conducted in public, especially with as much acrimony as the occasion discussed here, they offer similar mirroring to a much wider audience. To intentionally change a behaviour we must first become aware of it. Golden rules Understanding our own part in creating a problem is the beginning of wisdom. Kong Qiu … [Read more...]