Tom Watkins Coaching

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Like a clock during a thunderstorm

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We are shaped by what gains our attention and occupies our thoughts. To limit unhelpful fight, flight or freeze reactions to adversity, we must develop some voluntary mind-control over our attention. We should know how to put it where we want it, whenever we need to. Quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened, but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock during a thunderstorm. [Robert Louis Stevenson] Acquiring this ability should never become a matter of … [Read more...]

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The very common denominator

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When the Operations Manager, my mentoring client Julia, met two of her team to address a complex performance incident, I was present in an observer role. She'd estimated the meeting would take 15 to 20 minutes. Ben and Allen (no actual names used here) responded well enough to Julia's genuine curiosity, her clarifying questions and occasional paraphrasing to test and demonstrate her understanding. 10 out of 10 for that:  she'd been working with me to improve those practices and was doing … [Read more...]

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Got a minute?

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“Yes, of course . . “, is the usually anticipated and almost automatic response when someone comes by with a query, a problem or a story introduced by that question. And why not? A refusal might be seen as inconsiderate, or result in missing some vital or titillating information. Why not? Because to do so is often a small sign of bigger problems. Reacting to this kind of everyday stimulus automatically, either from FOMO/fear of missing out or anxiety about how others might view us, is an … [Read more...]

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Emotional Agility

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To have a decent shot at developing our personal character, we must bring the mind itself under control. For this ... We should prepare for a lifetime of challenge, as there is no more difficult task in life. [1]  One test of progress is how calm we remain under provocation. On what does our ability to do that depend, and how might we enhance it? Mountaineering over a molehill I offered to support a colleague, but during the exchange he offloaded irritation in my direction. It was a simple … [Read more...]

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It’s Terrible! Let’s Co-ruminate.

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Three sharply-dressed passengers sitting nearby on an early morning flight were sufficiently loud, articulate and interesting for me to overhear their conversation. Mid-level managers in a high-tech industry, I figured. Over the next 50 minutes they repeatedly agreed they'd be more effective and happier if their staff, colleagues, senior executives and clients would behave better, just get out of their way, or be different people. Definitely a co-ruminating group:  regurgitating and re-heating … [Read more...]

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Facing Reality

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Searching for easy simplicity, freedom from problems and constant stability in our lives is as futile as buying and keeping goldfish on the basis that they won't die.  Dying randomly and inexplicably is what goldfish do best. Life is a series of problems to which there are no easy answers.  If we want everything resolved and stable, we'll increasingly become victims of change as the world changes rapidly around us. Despite repeated awakenings from the fantasy that life should be otherwise, it’s … [Read more...]

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I Don’t Trust You

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We usually avoid saying this directly to those we mistrust.  It's more common to report our unease and reasons for it to other parties, make vague or indirect complaints, or practice avoidance. By then the relationship has effectively failed, though the mistrusted person may be unaware of this.  It can be difficult, if not  impossible, to repair the damage. Given the centrality of trust to cooperation and collaboration, what can be done and how can we behave in order to develop and maintain … [Read more...]

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Enhance personal resilience

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Experiencing adversity . . ?  Then you're suffering, right? Not necessarily, of course. At some level we all understand that emotional resilience is situational; we sometimes have it and sometimes lose it. We know that adversity can draw out and develop personal strengths.  Resilience is not a rare quality limited to confident optimists with few negative attitudes. We may also accept that personal resilience is our own responsibility. Almost everyone has a degree of mental robustness and … [Read more...]

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Our Interpersonal Inheritance

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Conversations are the barometers of organisational health but personal objectivity about the quality of our contributions to them can be like asking a fish to describe water. Mostly they're a constant, unnoticed system in which we conduct interpersonal relationships. And it's never just us involved: we inherited many of our practices uncritically from our families-of-origin as our parents inherited similarly from theirs. Because they may be based on redundant or unhealthy patterns, the topic's … [Read more...]

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Hostility: it’s probably not about you

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To what extent is boredom and dissatisfaction behind picking fights? If the author and journalist Gaby Hinsliff  is correct or if what she suggests is right sometimes, we ought be able to make very useful shifts in our responses to much of others' "difficult" behaviours:  annoyance, antagonism, hostility, nastiness, unkindness, spite, meanness, malice, malevolence,  plain old bad-temper and other forms of poking sticks at people. I believe she is right and that the insight, coupled with … [Read more...]