Many people with perfectly adequate hearing develop seriously impaired listening when they are criticised. Rather than respond constructively by clarifying, acknowledging and replying thoughtfully to others’ concerns, they react with various forms of resistance or avoidance. Whenever we do this, we add unnecessary complication to interpersonal communication.
Listening is the communication skill first learned and most often used. Yet it is the least taught and least mastered. [1]
When it’s easy … it’s not difficult
When someone expresses concerns that are not about ourselves, it’s usually obvious that they ‘own’ the problem. Although we might be willing to do our best to listen, clarify and consider the facts and emotional effects, it remains their problem, not ours.
Sometimes that can lead us to recognise we are also troubled by the same concerns, from similar or different perspectives. In that case we both ‘own’ the problem, so we might do our best to listen to one another to clarify, understand and possibly resolve it.
And we can easily make it difficult
But when we are the subject of their concerns, different mindsets are often activated: My character, judgement, intelligence or professionalism is being challenged. I’m being judged harshly – again – for not being perfect. My integrity is under attack.
At that point, instead of inquiring into our critic’s concerns, we’re having self-protective or self-justifying conversations with ourselves: Uh-oh, I’ve got a problem because someone thinks I’m the problem. I do (did) my best; why pick on me? This is unfair and uncomfortable. How can I shut it down, excuse or defend myself or attack them in return? These create significant difficulties – for ourselves and the original speaker.
Taking it personally
Those internal conversations activate emotional chain reactions and fight or flight urges. We ‘take it personally’ and become troubled (anxious, affronted or angry), in essence because someone else is troubled. What might have involved our calm listening and thoughtful responses to someone’s problem becomes an unnecessary argument or a challenging conflict.
If ‘taking it personally’ resembles some of your own reactions to criticism, you’re likely to benefit from learning how to ”… be reliable and responsible with – which is different from being responsible for – the thoughts and feelings and hopes and fears of the other.” [2] This requires first learning how to more effectively self-manage our mindsets and attitudes.
Help is here
My new book, Collaborative Dialogue comprehensively examines and guides many interpersonal practices and mindset refinements that avoid and replace unhelpful reactions and attitudes when most necessary.
‘When most necessary’ signifies circumstances in which differences, emotions and complexity are approaching or have already reached elevated levels. At those times we should be able to respond confidently with beneficial self-management skills, because we’ve made them our common practices. (The book is designed to help you do exactly that.)
When you see your thoughts and feelings clearly, they have less power to yank you around. [3]
If you are already aware of the necessary competencies but keep them held in reserve for only especially challenging situations … good luck with that. Skill is the ability to do something well because we have behaved in a particular way so often that its execution is almost instinctive or second nature to us.
You will find in Collaborative Dialogue, processes and exercises you can use to self-assess your competency in these matters. The book is packed with practical models and strategies, and support for developing and making habits of them.
Coming up …
In forthcoming discussions, I’ll continue these themes. One post will offer a first-aid kit to avoid taking it personally when we are criticised. Another will address these interconnected questions:
Does being an understanding and empathetic listener imply that we should be open to whatever negative commentary others want to make about us, in whatever form or forum they choose to provide it?
If there’s a line to be drawn between constructive listening and setting firm limits on a critic’s intentions, where, when and how best?
[1] Eastwood Atwater
[2] Maria Popova
[3] Dan Harris
Tom Watkins
Tom has owned a number of professional training and consultancy business, coached several other consultant trainers and facilitators into successful careers, and authored a range of well-respected publications.
