Don’t take it personally

It’s a common human tendency when criticised to think we’re under attack. Although all that we know, at first, is that someone has a problem they want heard and understood, we readily take offence if it seems we’ve been chastised, insulted, demeaned, derided, disrespected, harmed or in some other way mistreated. Once we’ve taken it personally like that, our emotional chain reactions and reflexive (knee-jerk) fight or flight urges are primed for release.

Unless quickly altered, those ideas and reactions transform what might otherwise have involved our calm consideration of their problem and thoughtful responses to it, into an unpleasant argument or unnecessarily complicated conflict. 

Attitudes and behaviours are driven by our mindsets

In an earlier post I explained why the ability to respond to criticism constructively (in ways that beneficially develop understanding and the relationship) begins with learning how to identify and replace mindsets that drive unhelpful reactions to it. This doesn’t require rocket science. If the practice were common (it isn’t) it would be common sense. It’s difficult only if we’ve not yet made it our common practice.

Consciously inserting a gap between Stimulus and Reaction can pause or cancel knee-jerk reactions. In that brief space we can become more aware of our unhelpful mindsets, and replace them with other more helpful ideas we’ve intentionally cultivated:

When should we be able to do this? It’s like the answer to this:  Q: When should we be able to use the contents of a medical first aid kit confidently and competently? A: When it matters most. If you won’t ever need to respond constructively to criticism, negative feedback, complaints or difficult-to-hear things said during an interpersonal conflict, don’t give these ideas another thought. Read on only if it might be useful to have access to your own personal attitude and mindset management first-aid kit for improving your current responses to criticism.

A don’t take it personally first aid kit

My recent book outlines many useful practices which avoid those reactive obstacles. One chapter (Inquiry) guides the use of curiosity, empathy, active listening and other constructive responses to criticism. Two other chapters (Attitude Management and Attitude Management for Conflict) are aimed at strengthening mindsets that support those practices. (The book comprehensively traverses the landscape of five distinct but closely interconnected skillsets which together enable truly collaborative dialogue.)

Here are some attitude management ideas from those chapters that relate to receiving criticism. Add any you like the sound of to your Don’t Take it Personally first-aid kit. Make them your default mindsets for responding to criticism.

• Everyone has their personal preferences and aversions, and is free to think whatever they want to about me. Their observations might help me learn something useful about myself, but that’s not a requirement.

• It’s very common behaviour but logically absurd, to get upset just because people are themselves upset about something to do with me.

• When people try to tell me there’s something wrong with who I am or what I stand for, it’s possible their concerns and assumptions reveal little or nothing about me, and much about themselves.  

• Few people in my life will consistently like, admire or approve of me. 

• Although I may wish to limit others’ criticism of me, my personal integrity is always in my own hands and does not depend on other people’s perceptions.

• I can be hurt only by my thoughts.  I choose my thoughts and can change my thinking.

• Attack is the best form of defence, is a mindset that tends to intensify and prolong interpersonal complexity.

• It’s not an attack until I defend myself, is a mindset that supports confident curiosity about others’ concerns.  

• If tempted to view others’ complaints as evidence that I am persecuted or hopelessly flawed, I can interrupt and change that self-perception. I can be perfectly OK without being perfect in others’ eyes. 

• Never underestimate others’ vulnerability.

• Everyone we meet is fighting their own internal battle with personal difficulties and everyone has different ways of dealing with those. Forms of lashing-out may be unconscious calls for help or understanding about deeply unhappy situations. Some people have very challenging ways of lashing out which may also represent calls for help. Beneath most anger is fear.

• When people (including ourselves) are least likeable, kind or loving is probably when they most need kindness, empathy and understanding. 

• Others’ criticism is evidence of a problem they have, to which a listening response is always more helpful than a reaction. I’ll be curious about what has led to their complaints. Before I reply, I’ll reflect their views and feelings until it’s confirmed that I’ve understood their perception.

• Constructive listening (tending to promote or improve helpful development) often calms or silences a critic because it provides evidence they’ve been understood and need say no more.

• Constructive listening can also help someone discover that beneath whatever issue concerns them are its root causes they were previously unaware of.  This often transforms a problem into something they can resolve themselves or into matters that have nothing or little to do with whoever they are criticising.

It’s infinitely more rewarding to understand than to be right. [Maria Popova]

None of this means that we must hear everything or anything said about us.  If others’ criticism is unacceptable at a particular time or emotionally intolerable, we have options. See Next up … (below.)

Simple may not be easy

Although these are simple ideas, they’re not necessarily easy to bring into focus when they’re most required.  Collaborative Dialogue can help you make them your consistent habits.

Next up …

In my next discussion about these issues I’ll address these questions:

Does being a compassionate and empathic listener mean we should be open to whatever negative commentary others want to make about us, in whatever form or forum they choose to provide it? If there’s a line to be drawn between extending compassion and kindness (with constructive listening) and setting firm limits on their intentions, at what point and how?