Drawing the line at criticism

Responding to criticism with composure and curiosity rather than reacting reflexively is a skill greatly eased by learning to recognise our feelings and the mindsets that activate them, in real time. When we can do that, we are better able to listen confidently to critical comments, hold clear limits or prevent more when we’ve heard enough.

Identifying if and when any line should be drawn, calls for situational awareness, mindfulness and emotional agility.  Announcing and holding the line under pressure requires personal agency and well-constructed self-advocacy. Those topics are subsets of the five interconnected skillsets comprehensively investigated and guided in my new book.

[This discussion is my fourth on the subject of giving and receiving criticism.  Others are: Our Own Part in Conversational Problems, Do You Respond or React to Criticism? and Don’t Take it Personally.]

Kris: [A client.] I’ve done the exercises at the front end of your book, to set personal reference-points for self-assessment. They confirm that I really struggle to deal with criticism. Before I read on, I want to know if I should just choose a specific chapter or study the whole thing thoroughly.  How you answer my questions might help.

Tom:  There are no shortcuts to changing our habits but I’ll do what I can to help you decide the next steps.

Kris: You’ve written that constructive responses to criticism (different from common practices), reduce ‘troublesome conflict and complexity in relationships’ and increase real collaboration. For this, you say we need mindsets that reduce or replace fight or flight urges. There are two chapters (two!) about managing our mindsets and attitudes. As ideals, they probably make perfect sense ...

Tom:  But you have reservations . . ?

Kris:  Yes, because that suggests we should stay and listen to any criticism others make, whenever and however they want to. Aren’t there circumstances where we need to shut them down?

Tom: There are for me. At times, for a variety of reasons I limit the extent of criticism people want to give me, making it clear I’ve drawn a line in the sand and won’t hear any more.

Kris: OK, but how do I know when that line’s been reached if I’m listening ‘with compassion and empathy’ as you recommend? Do I wait until I’m about to lose it?  And is making the shift to stopping it like using the Good Cop – Bad Cop routine? If so, abruptly or gradually?

Tom:   The choices are more like acting like a headless chicken or in ‘cold blood’.

Kris:: Sounds messy, either way.  Cold blood?

Tom: Cold blood is the literal translation of the French word sangfroid. It refers to having composure, a calm state of mind that allows us to think clearly and act sensibly and effectively (coolly) in the face of difficulty. It’s the approximate opposite of acting from (hot-headed) attitudes that drive reactions like lashing out or losing the plot.

Kris: I mostly have great composure but sometimes when I’m criticised by certain people, in some situations or about particular things, that tank’s empty and I do lash out or freak out. Can’t help it. How can I find greater composure and hold on to it?

Tom: Think of what’s needed at those times as presence of mind. What do you already know about presence and mindfulness?

Kris: Enough to describe it but not to apply it. Is it awareness of what I’m feeling and thinking, in real time, noticing the unhelpful urges they cause and remembering helpful ideas that produce … sangfroid?

Tom: That’s the first step.  What’s the point of doing that?

Kris: To calm down and focus on what’s actually being said to me?

Tom: Yes. Think of it as ‘dropping anchor’ to stop yourself from being ‘carried away in a storm of difficult thoughts and feelings’. [1] Once you’ve done that, you can consider your options in relative calm.

Kris: Instead of fight, flight or freeze?

Tom: Exactly. What kind of thinking drives those urges when you have them?

Kris: I’m always being blamed and victimised. Why are some people so unkind? Or: Guilty as charged – again. I’m obviously a complete failure. Or: Here we go, this is going to be a dogfight. Or: I’m doing my best, so back off!

Tom: They sound familiar. What usually distracts us from being fully present and engaged at those times, are unhappy memories of previous experiences (the past) and anxious predictions about what hasn’t happened yet (the future).  

Anxiety is a state of immobilisation caused by focusing on what is over or on what hasn’t happened yet. [2]

Kris: That seems about right, given what I’ve just told you. But how can I stop thinking about past events or what might happen?

Tom: By practising mindfulness. This doesn’t mean we no longer think about the past or future; it means that when we do, we’re aware that right now we’re thinking about the past or future. You won’t master it overnight but you can use various techniques at any time to develop the skill; they’re in those two chapters.

Kris: Hmm, I see the logic but I’ll struggle to be mindful if I’ve already become upset or worried.

Tom: You probably will. At that point you’re more likely to believe the problem is Out There rather than in your thinking and emotional habits.

It’s easier to argue with another person than it is to argue with the dark recesses of oneself. [3]

Kris: So when I defend myself or fight back, I’m projecting or displacing my own turmoil on to the other person, and blaming them for it . . ?

Tom: And then you’re on autopilot, struggling to be calm. You’ve decided you have a problem because someone thinks you are the problem. Accessing attitudes that avoid this, like many other interpersonal skills, is most necessary in challenging situations. That’s why we need to first develop them in simpler circumstances. You’re looking thoughtful …

Kris: I’m remembering some of my knee-jerk reactions to criticism. Not pretty. And I’m beginning to see how I could and should behave differently.

Tom: Once you understand what causes your reactions to criticism and increasingly notice it, you’ve identified your own part in the problem, the first step to resolving it. Skills aren’t developed overnight, so consider planning a 12 to 18 month project of incremental change. It helps to regard deeply-ingrained habits as strong cables that can be undone, one strand at a time.

Kris: And then . . ? 

Tom: You’ll need intentional self-awareness and frequent practice until composure during criticism instead of anxiety or anger becomes an emerging habit. Each time you reflect on the process (however you respond or react at the time) it should get easier to introduce or consider different mindsets that eventually became your go-to habits of mind in those circumstances. Like any skill development, it takes persistent effort to make confident and competent application common practice. It’s a simple process but not usually an easy one.

Kris: So, no shortcuts?

Tom: None. Motivation might depend on knowing how long you’re willing to find criticism difficult to handle. You could prepare yourself by learning some new ideas to bring to mind once you’ve created a gap in your ‘old’ emotional chain reactions, by ‘anchoring’ yourself. These ideas have helped me:

• disagreements aren’t attacks
• avoiding boundaries that should be drawn isn’t empathy
• ignoring or numbing our emotions and needs isn’t strength of character
• allowing toxic situations to continue uninterrupted in order to people-please, isn’t kindness and doesn’t produce self-composure.

Kris: What’s it like to have achieved perfection in these matters yourself?

Tom:  I’ll let you know if that ever happens. There are still circumstances when, like you I allow certain people’s criticism about certain matters to trigger my alarm, hurt or annoyance.

Kris: I’m surprised.  How long have you been working on it?

Tom:  Not quite long enough, apparently. Some cables of habit are extremely strong. But I’ve made enormous progress by understanding that no-one forces me to have those feelings: I choose them by allowing my thoughts to go unguarded and unchecked, on autopilot.

Kris: What happens when you do make bad choices like that?

Tom:  As I become aware of what my thoughts are doing, I take some deep breaths and bring to mind ideas I’ve practised for undoing the emotional chain reaction, keeping me composed and able to listen. If I can’t to do that, I let my critic know I’m unwilling to hear more right now. If they ignore that, I gradually raise the intensity of my language. If they continue anyway, I disengage. 

Kris: And when you make better choices?

Tom:  Normally, when I’m reasonably sure I’ve listened sufficiently for my critic to be ready to hear  me, I might suggest some conditions for a constructive discussion about our differences to clarify or resolve them or at least seek common ground. This could involve my first setting boundaries about the timing, topics, place or amount of their negative feedback.

Kris: OK, thanks. I’ll start by reading those attitude management chapters. But is there anything brief I could mull over in the meantime?  Something that sums up the attitude management work?

Tom: When we talk again, I’ll point out some practical ideas that respond to whatever you discover from your reading. But in the meantime . . . Adam Kahane eloquently expresses the basis of our attitudinal choices required at the decision-points I’ve discussed:

In order to address our toughest challenges […] we must exercise both love (the drive to unity) and power (the drive to self-realization). If we choose either love or power we will get stuck in re-creating existing realities or worse. If we want to create new and better realities – at home, at work, in our communities, in the world – we need to learn how to integrate our love and our power […]  Our power makes compassion empowering instead of sentimental and anaemic.  Our love makes our power unifying instead of reckless and abusive. [4]

[1] Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap, 2021; [2] Hugh Prather, Notes to Myself, 1983; [3] Rachel Joyce, The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry, 2013; [4] Adam Kahane, How to Collaborate With People You Don’t Like or Trust, 2017.