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Gossip, Trust & Mistrust

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Do you gossip? No, never. I don't. But I’ll tell you who does … One of the principal characteristics of healthy interpersonal relationships is trust: our confidence in others’ good will, consistency, respectfulness, honesty, reliability, credibility, transparency, loyalty and other forms of behaving ethically and benevolently. Do you trust them?  is a question that reveals much about the quality of any relationship. [1] Collaboration is easier where trust exists and more challenging … [Read more...]

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Collaboration, Cooperation & Competition

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A very expensive misuse of resources When the Senior Management Team meeting considered an important operational failure, Joel proposed a remedy. Matti introduced a different approach to which Joel responded, “That’ll never work” and began explaining why. Matti interrupted to explain where his reasoning was flawed. For 30-40 minutes they heatedly faulted one another’s perspectives and defended their own. Other members argued for their preference or said nothing and avoided eye contact. … [Read more...]

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Spoiler alert: how collaboration is derailed

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Behaviours that inhibit or derail collaborative conversations are usually easier to recognise in other people's practices than in our own. Some of those spoilers are regarded as mildly annoying but unavoidable aspects of interpersonal communication processes, about which nothing much can be done. Others are more pronounced but difficult to categorise objectively and figure out constructive responses. All are worth scrutiny, modification and constructive responses in the interests of … [Read more...]

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Drawing the line at criticism

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Responding to criticism with composure and curiosity rather than reacting reflexively is a skill greatly eased by learning to recognise our feelings and the mindsets that activate them, in real time. When we can do that, we are better able to listen confidently to critical comments, hold clear limits or prevent more when we’ve heard enough. Identifying if and when any line should be drawn, calls for situational awareness, mindfulness and emotional agility.  Announcing and holding the line … [Read more...]

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The very common denominator

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When the Operations Manager, my mentoring client Julia, met two of her team to address a complex performance incident, I was present in an observer role. She'd estimated the meeting would take 15 to 20 minutes. Ben and Allen (no actual names used here) responded well enough to Julia's genuine curiosity, her clarifying questions and occasional paraphrasing to test and demonstrate her understanding. 10 out of 10 for that:  she'd been working with me to improve those practices and was doing … [Read more...]

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Got a minute?

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“Yes, of course . . “, is the usually anticipated and almost automatic response when someone comes by with a query, a problem or a story introduced by that question. And why not? A refusal might be seen as inconsiderate, or result in missing some vital or titillating information. Why not? Because to do so is often a small sign of bigger problems. Reacting to this kind of everyday stimulus automatically, either from FOMO/fear of missing out or anxiety about how others might view us, is an … [Read more...]

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It’s Terrible! Let’s Co-ruminate.

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Three sharply-dressed passengers sitting nearby on an early morning flight were sufficiently loud, articulate and interesting for me to overhear their conversation. Mid-level managers in a high-tech industry, I figured. Over the next 50 minutes they repeatedly agreed they'd be more effective and happier if their staff, colleagues, senior executives and clients would behave better, just get out of their way, or be different people. Definitely a co-ruminating group:  regurgitating and re-heating … [Read more...]

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I Don’t Trust You

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We usually avoid saying this directly to those we mistrust.  It's more common to report our unease and reasons for it to other parties, make vague or indirect complaints, or practice avoidance. By then the relationship has effectively failed, though the mistrusted person may be unaware of this.  It can be difficult, if not  impossible, to repair the damage. Given the centrality of trust to cooperation and collaboration, what can be done and how can we behave in order to develop and maintain … [Read more...]

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How shall we argue?

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Ideally, at the start of any significant relationship we'd agree on answers to this question before the first inevitable important disagreement. Attempting that agreement while actually arguing is a complex process, like trying to fix an aircraft while flying it. However, in its absence these nine strategies can help limit the risk of damage when we're up to our armpits in challenging interpersonal conflict. They are for most people easier to grasp than apply, because acquiring and entrenching … [Read more...]

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Shooting yourself in the foot?

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When I asked how she tended to give feedback to staff, the CEO told me, “Oh, I’m very direct. They always know where they stand with me.  I tell them straight.”  In her mind there was no contradiction with what I’d witnessed at her meeting less than an hour earlier.  She’d told the 40 staff attending, “Some of you were late for this meeting, though you’ve known about it for weeks.  It’s disappointing and disrespectful behaviour.  You need to do better.”  At this there was much eye-rolling and … [Read more...]